Family dynamics. Bitter and sweet. Alike and different. Weak and strong. Take and give. Rainy and sunny. Noisy and quiet. Nasty and nice. Laughter and tears. Family dynamics.
Every family has its own unique dynamic. Yet we can look at a family and see their dynamic at work. What they say. What they do. How they interact. How they joke. They know how to lift each other up. And how they can cut each other to the quick.
Learning to love your adult family when your relationships have not turned out how you hoped they would when you were growing up is a challenge. Some days I come out on the top of that challenge and other days that challenge crushes me and brings me to my knees.
Generally, I try to see the good, remember the good, embrace the good in my siblings. Actually, I think I try to do that in my life overall. However, there are days when the nastiness comes forth and what I want to do is just close myself away from some of these people. These people who are supposed to love me. These people who are my family. These people who have, at times, nourished my heart and have then scarred it.
Every once in a while a day comes along, something is said or repeated, and old hurts that I thought I'd left behind are stirred up. When there is a fresh hurt, things that have been long forgotten get blown to the forefront of my mind. And that is where I find myself today. I'm in the middle of the sandstorm and am trying to pray myself through it and regain peace in my heart.
Today I feel battered and bruised, weak and alone. Today I am mourning for the adult life I had envisioned with my siblings that has not developed. During these times in my life when I'm feeling isolated from those God placed so closely to me, I am reminded of the one who never fails me, never leaves me.
We are brought to our knees in sadness many times in our lives. Whatever the reason that has brought us there, if we just put our hurts, our pain, our desperation at His feet, He will help us through. Today I am on my knees with a broken heart and God is whispering, "Look up, my child. Look up to Me. Let go. Let go of the disappointment. Let the painful memories settle far from your mind. Let go and look to Me. I know you. I love you. Let go. Let go so that your hands and mind and heart are open to receive what I have in store for you. Let go and reach for Me."
And, because of this, there is hope in my heart.