Evolution...

Evolution. I'm in a constant state of evolution. 

"People can't change."  That is something I hear frequently. However, I don't believe that to be true. People are indeed changing all the time, whether they are aware of it or not.  We are like the shoreline of a beach. You may return to the beach day to day and not really notice any change. Yet the tide has come in and gone out; it isn't quite the same as it was the day before. A storm may roll in shift things on the beach or push seaweed and rocks and shells onto the shoreline. We can see this change. Or there may be a devastating whirlwind that changes the landscape of the shoreline and we can barely recognize it. So it is with us, I think.

These changes can be positive or negative; they can be beneficial or detrimental. And these changes, I dare say, are occurring all the time.

Elementary school was difficult for me.  Being the youngest in a large family I wasn't quite certain who I was outside of my brood of brothers and sisters. I had asthma as a toddler and the medication that was required discolored my permanent teeth which made me very self conscious.  I was shy and tentative and lacked self confidence. Wanting to fit in, but not knowing how, was a big struggle for me. Often times I was made fun of and, when someone else was being made fun of I have to admit that I readily joined in because I was so grateful that the hurtful words weren't directed at me. That is something that I still regret.

At this time of my life, I was quiet and docile and just wanted to be accepted. However, after being hurt so often I started shoring up my shoreline, so to speak. Wanting to protect myself, I began to put up some barriers. Some of the barriers were strong, like a stone wall and others were softer like reeds. Both offered me various forms of protection.

In high school I was still struggling with a desire to be liked and fit in and be what I thought the world wanted me to be.  I never felt like it was okay to just be me. There would be times when I could truly be myself, but more often, I was putting out there what I thought would be best received from other people.

College began to crack the protective walls I had put up.  This was the first time I was away from my family and just on my own.  It was exhilarating and frightening all at once.  Still struggling with what I thought I needed to be for the world, I partied and laughed and struggled to find my place. It was during these years that I began to realize it was okay to just be me. Once this realization began to set itself in my soul, I was finally able to begin to become who God intended me to be in this world and not who I thought I was supposed to be in this world. It was at this time that those walls began to crumble.

Marriage and motherhood have been the largest blessings for me and have made my shoreline far more beautiful and warm and welcoming. Being a wife and mother give me the space to really reflect and pray. These roles allow me to spread my wings and soar. It has been during this time in my life that I've come back to the one thing that has always made sense to me; the one thing that has always made me feel safe and whole - and that is my faith.

Life is evolution. I am evolving, sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Hopefully, more often for the better. The reeds and stones can be beneficial as long as I allow people in to get to know me. I am a woman of faith, but I love to laugh and have fun.  I am a woman of prayer, but love to have a nice, long chat over a cup of coffee.  I am a woman of God, but am bolstered by my relationships and friendships.

"People can't change." They can and they are - every moment. I think we need to do all we can to inspire positive evolution in each other. I think we need to do all we can to evoke beneficial evolution in ourselves. We are the shoreline. Some of us are the rocks. Some are the grains of sand. Some are the drops of water. Some are the reeds. Yet together, we can make a most beautiful landscape.

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Turn The Light On - Slowly!!!

People feel strongly about different topics and issues. Some topics have to do with religion, others may be about politics, some bring up ideas of animals and how they should be treated, while still others will discuss all kinds of human rights.  Of course, this list could go on and on and on and, well, you get the idea.

There was a time in my life when I didn't speak out on issues. I figured that people had a right to feel what they felt for whatever reasons that they felt that way and it wasn't my place to shake that up.  Also, I feel incredibly uncomfortable with conflict and, therefore, I will generally stay as far away from any kind of conversation that may center on differing opinions.

Growing up, my family wasn't too keen on debating issues. Someone was right. Someone was wrong. Often, whoever spoke the loudest or most sarcastically won the argument. Looking back, I'm not sure what exactly was "won" and so very much was lost. Even today, many topics cannot be discussed in my family because differing opinions can't seem to be discussed, appreciation and tolerance can't be given to the other "side".  What a shame that is for us all.

My thoughts on some issues have changed throughout the years.  And, I would guess, that some issues I feel a certain way about now may also change as the years continue to pass.  What has made the difference?  Knowledge.  Openness.  Delivery.

Knowledge.  You only know what you know.  If you fail to seek out new information then you are left primarily in one spot with no real room to grow, stretch, and expand.  Many of my opinions changed or became stronger based on information that I would get from other people, from reading, from living. 

Openness.  If you aren't open to opposing viewpoints or ideas then how will you ever learn the merit of what is being shared?  If you aren't challenged in what you think then how do you know how it balances up against what other people think?  Your beliefs may be bolstered by what you hear or a seed may be planted that will grow and allow you to change the way you think.  If you aren't open, think of all you may miss out on in the world.

Delivery.  This is critical.  How is the message delivered?  It is so vitally important that we meet people where they are with kindness and love and tolerance.  Our message will be lost if we don't do that.  Who is our audience?  The message will not be received if you aren't delivering it to who it needs to reach.  This makes me think of someone who is in a dark room.  Maybe you have an idea or thought you want to share with them.  If they are in a dark room it can be startling to just throw the door open and shine a bright light on them.  Sometimes we need to crack open the door and put the lights up slowly.

There have been many instances I have dug my heals in on something I thought because I wasn't open, didn't appreciate the delivery, and, therefore, was not open to new knowledge.  For example, I remember a very well meaning faith filled friend who was sharing the benefits of a certain devotion of our faith.  At the time, she was so in my face and telling me with great insistence that I must do this devotion.  I was so turned off I went home and put the information that was given out of my mind.  As the years went by and I learned more about this fabulous devotion through other avenues, I opened my heart and it is now a devotion which I dearly love.  The initial delivery, unfortunately, caused me to take much longer to come around to the beauty of this prayer.

Another dear friend just recently shared her experience with a pro-life advocate. As she was exiting the expressway with her family she came to a red light where someone was standing with a large image of an aborted baby.  When she told the gentlemen that she had children in the car, he moved forward and thrust the image closer to the family.  He had no idea if this family was pro-life or pro-choice, yet he pushed this image into the children's minds. What a sad breakdown in what could have been a positive message for protecting life.

The scenario with my friend's family saddens me for many reasons.  The delivery was all wrong.  Who is this man's audience?  Are these images for children to see?  I would say no. Who was this man's target?  Does he think that someone will be open to his message if they feel violated?  Maybe it would indeed be helpful for an adult to see some of these images in order to demonstrate the vileness of abortion on these little babies.  However, I do not agree that standing on the side of the road with an image like this is the way to do it.

We are called to stand for the truth and share that with people even if it will not be readily accepted. I believe this with all my heart.  Because of this, I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone to share my thoughts and beliefs with people.  This is rarely easy.  I try to be kind and loving and tolerant of other people and I truly try to meet people where they are. In doing this, I attempt to remember all the different places people have had to meet me, all the different places people will still have to meet me on this journey to enlighten me, bolster me, change me, and help me through. 

Do I always do this well?  I doubt it.  However, I keep trying.  And I pray that as I go along I get bolder in my courage to share what I'm thinking and that God will help me to deliver the message thoughtfully. Otherwise, how can I hope to meet people where they are at the moment? And I also pray that God will push me to continue to seek knowledge and be open to what other's have to say.  Otherwise, how will I learn and grow from all the wonderful wisdom you dear friends have for me?

"But in your hearts reverence Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to make a defense to any one who calls you to account for the hope that is in you, yet do it with gentleness and reverence; and keep your conscience clear, so that, when you are abused, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.  For it is better to suffer for doing right, if that should be God's will, than for doing wrong."  1 Peter 3:15-17

Stroke Lessons

Patience. Tolerance. Understanding. Empathy. Compassion. I have never quite felt the need for these qualities more than I have needed them throughout these last four weeks.

Before the sun was up one morning my telephone rang and my dad was on the other end of the line. "Can you come over?" he asked. There was something in his voice that I'm not used to hearing. Fear. A bit of fear had crept into my father's voice. "I'm on my way."

My mother suffered a minor stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. My mom suffered a minor stroke. I remember when the doctor said "stroke" my father and I just looked at each other. "She had a stroke?" Yes. That word is still sinking in four weeks later.

Emotions. Exhaustion. Confusion. Worry. I have never quite felt the draining power of these qualities more than I have throughout these last four weeks.

We have a large, complicated, beautiful family. My mom carried six children and then, when her sister passed away and her brother-in-law followed a year and a half later, my folks took in two of their eight children.  So, what we have is my dad dealing with this change in his wife of 58 years and eight children with thoughts and ideas and feelings coursing through their minds.  How do we deal with this? How do we deal with each other?

My mom loves. She loves her husband. She loves her children. She loves her friends. She loves the staff who helped her at the hospital. She would learn a person's name even if they were doing just one test on her. She hugged her therapists. She exchanged addresses with her roommate. The therapists told her that they wanted her to come back and walk down the hall to see them all when she gets stronger. She loves.

All you need to do in a circumstance like this is to remember that when a woman loves the way my mom loves it is only natural that people will love her back. And when a woman you love suffers a stroke it shakes you -- maybe a little, maybe a lot -- but, it shakes you.  When you are shaken it is so important to have patience, tolerance, understanding, empathy, and compassion.

That was what I needed to do while my mom was in the hospital.  When something would happen I would try to remember this.  When someone would suggest something or ask something or do something, I reminded myself that it came from love.  That helped me to respond in a kind and loving way, I hope.

I tend to be a little quieter and slower in my reactions. I wasn't always like this, but over the years I've come to realize that if I have the ability to let something soak into me a bit before I respond that the outcome is generally more positive. Everyone's emotions were raw. Everyone was exhuasted. Everyone was confused. Everyone was worried. And that is precisely why I needed patience, tolerance, understanding, empathy, and compassion.

I don't know how many times I heard someone say, "Don't they know better?" or "They should have known..."  Why? Why do we expect people to know certain things? Why do we assume that people know the "right" thing to do or the "right" thing to say?  Not everyone does know better.  Because of this, it is so important to try to talk to people with kindness and love. Give them the benefit of the doubt and trust that they are coming from a good place of wanting to help and wanting to make things better. 

People have different ideas about how to handle situations. Sometimes a different idea is just that. Different. Sometimes there is a right way and a wrong way.  Sometimes there is a better way and a not-so-great way.  Sometimes there is just a different way.  Stop.  Listen to each other.  Does something have to be done "your" way?  Let's talk about it.  Let's hear each other.  Let's remember that we are all coming from a place of love and concern.  Be open. 

We all want the best for my mom and we are all going through so many emotions.  Because people react differently to stress it is so very important to remember that everyone is hurting and coming from a place of great love for this woman.

When you give someone the benefit of the doubt it is very freeing.  Why do I do and say the things I say during this difficult time?  Because I love my mom.  Why do I think others do and say the things they do and say?  Out of love for my mom.  So, if that is the case, we should approach each other knowing that we all want the best for her, want to do the best, want to say the best things.  We may not agree with everything, but when you know someone is coming from a place of love doesn't that change the way you interact with them?

These four weeks have been challenging for so many reasons.  Yet these four weeks have brought many blessings as well.  One of these blessings has been bringing into focus the importance of how we interact with people, whether it is just for a moment, a day, or a lifetime.  This part of my journey, the journey of my mom's recovery, is just beginning. We still have a long way to go. I hope it is a time of drawing our family together and strengthening our bonds.

I have never felt the power of these qualities more than I have these last four weeks and so I tell myself: Be patient.  Be tolerant.  Be understanding.  Be empathetic.  Be compassionate. 


"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And over all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."  Colossians 3:12-13

Slippery Sand

My oldest daughter will be coming home for her summer break after her first year away at college in about 2 1/2 weeks. How do I feel about that? Surprisingly, I feel a tad bit distraught.

You weren't expecting that, were you? Neither was I. Throughout the year whenever she would come home on break I would be filled with excitement. Hugs. Cuddles. Smiles. All three kiddos. All right there under my roof. Why the trepidation as her first college year comes to a close? I'll tell you...

About a week ago I was thinking about T coming home for the summer. It wouldn't just be a weekend visit or even a week. I would have her back home for 3 months. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Yes! Yes! Yes! Ummm. Wait...

As I was standing in the kitchen thinking about these wonderful months ahead when all the kiddos would be home a realization swept over me - the realization of how fleeting time actually is in this world of ours.

Think back to the moments you have had in life when you realized how quickly the sands of time have slipped through your fingers. Maybe it is looking at how quickly a vacation came to an end. Maybe it is seeing your child's face and no longer seeing those sweet chubby toddler features and then blinking and seeing a young adult in front of you. Maybe it is returning to your high school or college to span the faces and realize how far you've grown and changed from those days. So many moments in our lives when we stop and truly FEEL how time has gone by and we have barely noticed.

So, there I was in the kitchen feeling the excitement of T coming home from her first year of college. And then it hit me. She was finishing her first year of college. The specks of sand that made up that year of her life have now been swept out to sea. It went so quickly. It went so very fast.

In that moment I grasped the sands of time within my hands and just stopped to contemplate.

I dared to glance ahead in that moment and think about the future. Just three more years of college for her. Possibly a semester or longer studying abroad. Then the search for a job that may take her far away. When will this house no longer be her primary home? How quickly will the time come when I am looking forward to her visiting this house rather than living in this house?

I challenged myself to think about my son who is now looking at colleges and will be heading out for his first year college experience soon enough. Two of the joys of my heart will be spending more time under another roof than this one.

I thought about sitting at the dinner table with our youngest each night. How empty the table will feel.

Yet that sand is slippery and, although I grasped it tightly, it slid through my fingers and in that moment my excitement was gone and I was feeling a bit distraught. Being a mother and having my house filled with children is by far one of the greatest joys and blessings in my life. Whenever something I love comes to an end there is always some melancholy. However, the feeling of melancholy is usually fleeting.

As a parent, I know that part of my role is to raise my children to be strong, faithful, independent, and caring. Because of that, my feelings of distraught are washing away. I am hopeful. I will cherish the moments that we have together now. I will celebrate the milestones of my children as they continue to grow and mature. I will rejoice in their uniqueness and their journeys.

I choose to sit and delight in the sand as it slips through my fingers. It is sunkissed by the love of my children, my husband, my family, and friends. The warmth of the sand and the sound of the waves bring me comfort and peace. The tides are ever changing, the landscape is shifting and moving, yet I look around and remember the beauty of yesterday, give thanks for the wonder of today, and wait in anticipation for the blessings of the future. The view may be changing, but the beauty around me remains.

February in Michigan

In February of 2009 I wrote this in my journal. Each year at this time, this writing comes into my mind and challenges me once again to seek out the windows inside myself I don't always look through. I hope you all enjoy it:

The other night I was lying in bed and I could see an airplane’s lights blinking as it flew through the evening sky. But I couldn’t hear it. I live in Michigan – it’s February – the windows are shut tight and locked.

Yet as I watched that plane flying overhead, I was struck by the silence within our home. The silence enveloped me and I longed for the sounds outside my window to fill the room. But they didn’t. I live in Michigan – it’s February – the windows are shut tight and locked.

I’ve always been the type of person who prefers fresh air to air-conditioning. I’ve always loved falling asleep listening to the sounds of life outside my window. But I can’t right now. I live in Michigan – it’s February – the windows are shut tight and locked.

Growing up, I could hear the sound of traffic from the busy road down the block. When I went to college, I became accustomed to the train whistles lulling me off to sleep. In our home now, I hear airplanes and cars going to unknown destinations. But right now I hear nothing. I live in Michigan – it’s February – the windows are shut tight and locked.

So the other night I became overwhelmingly aware of the silence. There was no noise to stir my spirit, only the quietness to pique my senses. I was able to focus on the sounds of life within my heart and within my soul. I live in Michigan – it’s February – the windows are shut tight and locked, but only the windows to the world outside.

Who Am I?

“What I do you cannot do; but what you do, I cannot do. The needs are great, and none of us, including me, ever do great things. But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful.” Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta said these beautiful and profound words.

Lately I've been reflecting on just how tiny I am in this world - this big, beautiful, miraculous world. What is my place? What am I being called to do? What could I possibly contribute? Who am I?

Then something comes along to remind me again and again and again that it doesn't matter how little I am. I may feel lost and insignificant at times, but I'm not.

My contribution to this world may seem small to me. My contribution, in fact, may indeed be quite tiny. However, if my contribution is given out of love for the one who created me, then it blends together with all of your contributions done in love, and it blossoms and grows into something beautiful and perfect.

I will still continue to stumble along, hoping that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing on this journey and making corrections when I realize that I am heading in the wrong direction. Yet along this journey, I will try to remember exactly who I am - a special and unique creation of God. And, you know what? So are you. Aren't we lucky? Aren't we blessed?

Together we can do something wonderful.


Casting Crowns - Who Am I http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjhxOv9YDag

What Do You Want Me To Be?

We have different gifts and talents. We all cannot do the same things in the same way. In fact, we aren't supposed to. "Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieteies of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of working, but it is the same God who inspires them all in every one. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good." (1 Corinthians 12: 4-7) How is the Spirit working through me? Am I doing all I can? Am I being all God wants me to be?

I've always been a firm believer that God personally gives us each things he wants us to utilize and share. Like the gifts of the talents, he wants us to use what he has given to us and not squander it or hide it away. To some, much has been given. To some, less has been given. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think that God thinks more or less of someone based on how much He has given them. We are all called to be saints. And if we can all be saints, then we can reach that goal with what God has given us. But am I being all God wants me to be?

Maybe you sing and spirits soar. Maybe you are a good friend and an excellent listener. Maybe you speak and hearts change. Maybe you are a great hugger. Maybe you comfort the elderly. Maybe you are a tireless momma. Maybe you are a loving child. Maybe you teach, excel at a sport, or play an instrument. What are your gifts? What talents has God given you? Are you using your gifts to their fullest?  Are you being all God wants you to be?

There are times in my life when my heart is moved and I am called to change. Sometimes it is seeing a great production, going to a Christian/Catholic concert, hearing an inspirational speaker. It can be attending a retreat, going to a conference, or having an uplifting dinner with friends. How am I moved, you may ask? How am I called to change?  There are moments in life when I have no choice but to change - change the way I pray, change the way I treat people, change the way I live. In all this change, am I being all God wants me to be?

When a moment comes along that reaches into me and makes me stop in my tracks, when a song brings me to tears, when words make my heart leap, I stop and I wonder, "Dear Lord, what can I do? What can I do to affect this kind of change in others? Do you even want that from me?  What is it You want from me? Am I being all You want me to be?"

"Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? But earnestly desire the higher gifts." (1 Corinthians 12:29-31)

Help me to be a good steward of the gifts you have given me and an open vessel for You to work through. Help me to be most grateful for what I have and to humbly "desire the higher gifts." May all I do be done for You.  I feel so little. Please take my littleness.  Use it to show how great and how big You are. You made me. When I question whether I am doing enough, please help me to remember that all I have to be is what you made me to be, and to be the very best me I can be.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgtSXPdxsLU